Silver Oak Academy Wiki



A Word of Welcome
Quot rami tot arbores… That’s Latin, as all our intelligent students should already know. It means, plainly, “As many branches as many trees.” We at Silver Oak Academy live and breathe our admittedly unoriginal motto, which is printed in bold and stately Times New Roman on all our brochures. It is our highest honour to receive your boys and girls (and money), and our highest duty to see them blossom as trees into okayish adults (so you don’t have to).

Your kind donations and benefactions have come a long way indeed. Our school is built to the perfect golden ratio to suit your children’s needs. It is neither too big nor too small, though it seems to have more buildings and facilities than its share of students. Yet, it is somehow big enough to house a dangerous underbelly of bullies and aspiring anarchists. At peak operation, self-proclaimed ‘gangs’ roam the hallways, marking the shadowy corners and terrorizing the ‘less fortunate ones’ for easy pickings. But please rest assured. No harm will ever befall your sons or daughters while they are in our care. For a very reasonable price, our professional staff can easily turn a blind eye to such offences, so that your wonderful children won’t be marked for life for what is clearly harmless and youthful tomfoolery.

Our school is flanked on all sides by acres of straggling oakwoods, and tall pines that hug the foothills of Mount Bachelor. In the winter months the snow is likely to bury all the communications and passes from here all the way to the nearest McDonalds. In other times of year, however, multiple escape routes can be utilised. Those seeking respite from their boarding school existence have mastered the art of truancy. Some escape to the nearby small town of Fenrose, which contains the basic infrastructure to sustain life. The more daring or desparate adventurers among them have long ago discovered the joy of freighthopping. The railways lead to more hopeful cities, or if you prefer, to craggy cliffs on the westernmost points of our beautiful state of Oregon, on which some have stood, defying gravity, to contemplate the meaning of life and the universe.

The students of our prestigious institution come from all walks of life, none particularly good. Some aspire to become astronauts, others to live a life of crime and delinquency. (And no, the boy in the banner is not Vered.) The school itself boasts a history of more than a hundred years, a proud record its teachers are accustomed to drill into the conscience of its pupils. It sprang into existence as a military boarding school during the critical years of World War I. The great oak tree in the middle of our courtyard, whose extensive roots system juts above the fields and causes students to trip, was planted to commemorate the bravery of our old boys. Upon the sinking of the Lusitania, they rose to the occasion for Uncle Sam -- and never came home. Those brave, self-disciplined boys were quite unlike their modern counterparts. For in those days, our teachers ruled by the rod; some even named their rods and went to sleep with them neatly tucked under their pillows. Although times have changed, you may find some of our oldest staff members have yet to part with their ancient ways…

That terrible tragedy of 1916 caused our school to fall into disrepair. Thankfully, by the good graces and charity of our benefactors, we have since refashioned ourselves into a prestigious redbrick institution. (We even went the extra mile and physically painted all the bricks red to drive that message home!) A hundred years on, all is not doom and gloom in this school of your child’s dreams (or nightmares). For every pocket of evil there is a pocket of good, and here lifelong friendships may be forged. Whether your child enjoys photography or music or sports, or chess to feel smug and better than everyone else, our school can cater to his or her needs. I can assure that you our facilities comply to all the expectations of 20th-century aristocratic life. Attached are several brochures for you to share with your friends and family. Please continue to believe that the photographs contained therein represent the true state of our amenities. But so what if our pool is a tad bit murky, or if the lawns are a little overgrown, or if the pipes behind the walls can sometimes croak to the pitch of a cane toad? Remember, old and squealing floorboards are a small price to pay for your child’s once in a lifetime opportunity to “live among history”. Thank you once again for entrusting your child to our care, and for attending my TED talk.

Respectfully yours,

Dr. Aldous Longford, PhD (Oxon.), MEd (Hons.), QTS, NPQH, NPQSL

The Headmaster 



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